My resignation from BOLUX: The truth behind the malicious gossip

As you will no doubt have read, I have tendered my resignation as supreme head of Banking Occidental & London Universal Exchange (BOLUX), which the board have reluctantly accepted.

However, since the gutter Press (i.e. Financial Times, Wall Street Journal, etc.) has attempted to scurrilously and erroneously infer that my decampment to my pied-a-terre in Vanuatu for a well-warranted, much-overdue – and hopefully long – sojourn is somehow an attempt to evade an official probe into my business’s probity, I am forced to issue this emphatic rebuttal.

Under my brief, but personally highly-profitable helmsmanship of BOLUX, it should be noted that the share price dipped slightly – all right, by 75% – from its peak of 25p, but I can only insist I acted solely and at all times in the best interests of investors and deserve every penny of my £165-million ‘golden farewell.’

Calls for me to return this sum are entirely unjustified and the machinations of a devious, envious, malicious entity, led by misguided politicians and, of course, the sewer media, all of whom are ignorant of the complexities of international banking.

As my colleagues on BOLUX’s Remuneration Committee will readily testify, it was only through my selfless proactivity that the bank was able to overcome ferocious competition in the marketplace, winning the clientele of various organisations involved in the exportation of herbal remedies from South America and defence industry contractors in the Middle East.

Forced to travel innumerable air miles per year in the company’s Gulfstream, comforted only by the tender intimacy of my nubile flight attendants – forever ready to administer a reviving soupcon of Dom Perignon and a spoonful of Beluga, et al – and having to survive, ad nauseum, gruelling nights in 6-star hotels, I can well empathise with the plight of HRH Prince Andrew.This, as my chairman and co-directors appreciate, has resulted in considerable strains on the relationship with my companion of many years standing, the Baroness Clitoria Von Stump, who, understandably, abhors my professional integrity being called into doubt.

Loyalty is its own reward I contend and, as such, I step down merely on personal grounds. For, regardless of her inherited billions, the Baroness’s wellbeing is my only concern.

However, I cannot forgive those scabacious underlings – little t*rds (and I apologise for the use of such expletive) to a one – who have surreptitiously gone behind my back to rig markets conditions to their own financial aggrandisement.

They sully the illustrious name of bankers everywhere, deflate the decent aspirations of BOLUX investors, and deserve all the retribution forthcoming from the Select Committee probe, whose remit, I understand, fails to include the South Pacific republic of Vanuatu, where I am resided for the foreseeable future.

Finally – and foremost – I am advised by my learned friends at Messrs. Wright, Snatchett that it is incumbent on me to warn all those who seek to despoil my blemishless repute that the stern arm of the law will smite them.

God bless BOLUX.

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